God’s Protection > My Problems

WELCOME
Pastor Chris Paavola:

SMALL GROUPS
Well, everybody, once again. Good morning, good to be with you. Before I jump into today’s message, I do want to talk about something that’s really important to the life and health of St. Mark and consequently really important to your life and your health. Coming up in September, we are kicking off our second season of small groups, and this is something we started last year, just way overdue. It’s so important to the life of a church, and it was awesome. We had over a dozen small groups meeting for the last nine months, about once or twice a month. And the reason this is so important is, I mean, just what happens in small groups can’t be replicated here on a Sunday morning when you’re all sitting in rows facing forward. One of the values that we have as a church is that we will grow smaller as we grow larger, and that’s all the more important as we continue to grow, that we continue to grow smaller with one another and getting into small groups with each other.

And whatever you think of when you think of a small group, I promise you it’s not academic Bible quizzes and stuff like that. It is people getting together trying to apply the word of God to their lives. And so wherever you are in your faith journey, however long you’ve followed Jesus, whatever tenure you have in the church or don’t have, there is a small group for you, I promise. So we’ve said that the goal of our small groups is to build relationships because again, it’s the vision is to grow smaller as we grow larger. Sitting around you right now are strangers. There’s people in this room that you don’t know. And imagine yourself if you’re somebody who just started coming to St. Mark in the last year, year and a half or something like that. And you see all these people who seem to know each other, it’s really socially almost unacceptable to walk up and just introduce yourself to a complete group of strangers, interrupt their conversation and introduce yourself.

And on the opposite side, if you’re sitting here talking with the same people you talk with on Sunday morning, and you should talk to new people, absolutely, or talk to the people and love, it’s almost as difficult to say, I’m going to stop talking to you and go introduce myself to this stranger over here. That doesn’t happen in large rooms like this. Where that happens best is in living rooms where you get together with people and build relationships. And so that’s the goal of our small groups. And so every fall we shuffle up our small groups and we get together and they meet for about once a month. And so if you scan the QR code in your bulletin or on the screen, or if you’re watching online, you can just grab a phone and scan that QR code right there and get registered for a small group.

We’ve also got kiosks out in the lobby in the what’s called the hub out there that’ll take you to the hub where you can sign up to be a part of a small group. It’ll take you to a form. It’s got some questions, basically like what’s your generation? Because we assign our groups based on age, demographics and then also just what’s your availability nights of the week, weekday, mornings, weekends, all that kind of stuff. And I’ll just say this, okay, if you can’t find a weeknight in the course of a month to get together with people and talk about what God is doing your life, if you can’t find a weeknight to do that once a month, might I suggest you’re too busy and might I suggest that you need some boundaries in your life? And that’s exactly what we’re going to be talking about today.

GREATER THAN
So again, please, please sign up. It is just so important and I hope in each and every one of you, honestly, I hope every person at St. Marcos a part of a small group. It’s just that important. But yeah, today we are talking about boundaries as we, okay, shift gears now getting into the sermon as we continue this series greater than where we’re following along the life of this guy 4,000 years ago, a guy named Jacob. And we’re discovering as he does a life greater than we know with a God who’s greater than we know, and we don’t set the agenda of what we’re talking about. Basically whatever happens in the story of Jacob, that’s what we end up talking about today. And today as we look at this story, we are pressed with this concept that is just really difficult. It’s a difficult question that we all ask at some point inevitably in our lives, is what do you do when the people you love keep hurting you?

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE KEEP HURTING YOU?
And if you haven’t asked this question yet in your life, I promise you, you will. And I promise you in a room like this with this many people, there are people who like that stings when I say that, what do you do when the people you love keep hurting you? This is the story of like, okay, this is if your parents and you’ve got your parents grandparents who come in and constantly undermine what you’re trying to do, and they do it over and over and over, what do you do when the people you love keep hurting you? Or this is like the loved one who always asks you for money and they’re always got a handout and you loan them money because you want to be a good person, you want to be loving, you want to be kind, so you loan them money, but you know they’re never going to pay you back and they squander it the next.

They want to sell candles or Tupperware or whatever it is in the next business idea scheme that they come up with and you loan them money, but I don’t know, it hurts. This is the same story as somebody who has addiction and their addiction is their addiction, but it’s starting to affect your lifestyle. It’s starting to affect your happiness and wellbeing. What do you do when the people you love keep hurting you? This is the same story that we see with Jacob and Laben, and actually as we look at the story, we’re able to start answering that question and informing our decisions. So we got to get into the story though. So a little bit of backstory with you guys. Just a second, Brian, you can back up. I don’t want them reading ahead because they won’t to anything. I’m saying a little bit of backstory on Jacob and Laban.

BACKSTORY
Jacob left the land of his father to go live with his uncle, and the relationship starts out well and good, but it goes sideways real quick, because Jacob, as much as he is a deceiver con artist, trickster Laban is like a veteran at this. And so he is the trickster that tricks the trickster. He deceives the deceiver, he cons the con man like Jacob is, or I’m sorry, Laban is a veteran at this kind of stuff. And so the relationship starts out fine, but eventually Laban tricks Jacob into marrying his older daughter, and then he tricks Jacob into more and more years of service. And then he tricks Jacob into less and less of a herd and less and less of a flock for their possessions and stuff like that. And along the way, Jacob says that 10 times over the last 20 years, 10 times, Laban has changed his wages. And you would think maybe after the fifth time, I don’t know that Jacob would think I should get this in writing, but he convinces himself, well, I don’t want to be a bad person. I don’t want to come across greedy and he’s going to change this time, this time. I promise he’s not going to do it anymore.

Again, they’ve been changes his wages 10 times. And so one night God tells Jacob, leave your Uncle Laban and go back to the land of your father Isaac. And God tells him that he’s supposed to leave, but he doesn’t tell him how or when he’s supposed to leave. And so Jacob does what comes naturally to him from his dysfunctional family and his toxic upbringing. He decides, well, I’m just going to leave in the middle of the night. I’m going to take my family, my possessions, and we are going to go. We’re not going to tell anyone. We’re just gone. We’re going to ghost him. This is just not showing up. I quit. I quit work, kind of a situation. Laban three days later discovers that Jacob has left and he is red hot. How dare he do this to me? And so he sets out to find Jacob and he catches up with him seven days later.

It’s a very long journey, hundreds of miles. He catches up with him seven days later in the middle of the wilderness. And when they get there, it is about as emotionally charged and as emotionally childish as you would expect. You deceived me and well, you deceived me. And then it devolves into naha, yaha! And there’s a whole lot of finger pointing and very little ownership. And by the way, if you are in a conflict, someone a quick tip, if you’re always talking about what they’ve done wrong and you never admit what you have done to contribute to the situation, chances are very good that the conflict is going to continue. It’s a free tip.

BOUNDARIES IN GENESIS 31
Anyway, so in the middle of this back and forth, aha, childish thing, Laban says this really interesting phrase to Jacob. He says, God told me, your God told me I am not to harm you.

And suddenly Jacob realizes in that moment that God’s protection is greater than his problems. And there is a fence, if you will, around him. You can’t touch him. God is protecting him. It is like a fence or a boundary or sometimes like Christians, we talk about a hedger protection. I don’t know where that comes from, but it’s this idea that no, you are not allowed to harm them.

45 So Jacob said to his relatives, “Gather some stones.” So they took stones and piled them in a heap, and they ate there by the heap… 48 Laban said, “This heap is a witness between you and me today… remember that God is a witness between you and me…” 52 This heap is a witness, and this pillar is a witness, that I will not go past this heap to your side to harm you and that you will not go past this heap and pillar to my side to harm me.
Genesis 31

And after Laban says that to Jacob, for all of their dysfunction and all of their toxicity, they finally do something right to improve their relationship with one another.

And when we look at it, we start to inform our response of what to do when people keep on hurting you over and over. It comes to us from Genesis 31, starting in verse 45, “Jacob said to his relatives, gather some stones.” All right, so here Chuck, come on up here, in Israel. and here Mark, you too.

Here, come on up here. Alright. In Israel there are a lot of rocks. So they’re standing in the middle of a wilderness, they have this conflict that’s back and forth and it’s going on and on and on. And then suddenly they’re like, okay, we’re going to resolve this thing. There’s a bunch of rocks. So here you guys grab some rocks and they take the rocks and they start piling. And I want you guys to just, you don’t have to pick ’em all up at once. Yeah, just make a line right there like that and make this line of rocks.

Keep going. At eight o’clock, I did this by myself and I was out of breath afterwards, so I decided I’d get some helpers. Alright, good. Got a couple more here. There you go. All right, thank you guys. You go ahead, you guys give them a hand. They did a great job. Watch yourself. All right.

RESPONSE: Applause

Pastor Chris Paavola:
What does this look like? A line! And if I kept on building more and more rocks, right? He grabbed a bunch of his servants and relatives and putting more and more rocks on top of this line. What would it be called? A wall or a fence!

And watch this Laban said, this heap is a witness between you and me today. Remember that God is a witness between you and me. In verse 52, “these stones that have been set up will stand for our agreements. I will not pass by these stones to hurt you and you will not pass by these stones to hurt me.” This is like Gandalf and Lord of the ring. He said, you shall not pass. Right? Right. This line do not cross. And it say boundary.

BOUNDARIES
And now think about the concept of boundaries or fences. It’s where one idea stops and another idea begins. Think about the boundary or the border between Canada and the United States. One set of ideas stops and another set of ideas begins. It’s this idea of ownership and most importantly, control. You control this part, but not this part. It’s like the poet Robert Frost. He said, good fences make good neighbors. And all across America, there are flourishing neighborhoods. People are flourishing because there are clear boundaries. So at your house, in your neighborhood, you may not like the color of your neighbor’s house. You may not like their landscaping jean, but you can’t control it. You are only in charge of the color of your house and the landscaping in your yard, not theirs. This is out of bounds and boundaries. Boundaries allow freedom.

They allow you to have agency and autonomy, and they allow you to be in control of the only thing that you really can control yourself and boundaries. Fences, lines can be physical and literal, but they can also be emotional. You can say, this is me and this is you. I can’t control you, but I can control me. This is the boundary I’m establishing in my life. And we start to realize how we can respond when people keep on hurting us. Because at the end of the day, boundaries for all the freedom and the flourishing that happens at the end of the day, Jacob and Laban set out a boundaries so that they would not come to harm. At the end of the day, boundaries protect you. That’s what they’re there for. Boundaries protect you. They can protect you physically, but they can also protect you mentally and emotionally with the people you love.

BOUNDARIES PROTECT YOU

GOD’S BOUNDARIES
And this my friends, is God pleasing. I think sometimes we think, well, I’m supposed to just be a good person. I’m supposed to just take it on a chin. And Jesus followers are kind of supposed to be a doormat. We’re not supposed to get vengeance and all that. And there’s a grain of truth to that. But honestly, boundaries are exactly how you can be a godly person because God has established boundaries here in the story between Jacob and Laban, he says to Laban, you can’t harm Jacob. What is that a boundary? Say boundary.

Response: Boundary

Pastor Chris Paavola:
But if you go all the way back to the beginning of the Bible, God creates everything and he separates the earth from the waters. What is that? A boundary. And then he tells Adam and Eve, you are free to eat from any tree in the garden of Eden, but you must not eat from the tree the knowledge of good and evil for if you eat it, you’ll surely die.

What is that a boundary? And then after they eat it in mercy, God’s like you can’t eat the tree of life or you’re going to live in this fallen state forever. So he casts them out of the garden in mercy, cast them out of the Garden of Eden and protects the garden of Eden with flaming swords held by angels. What is that a boundary? And then we fast forward the 10 Commandments, Moses, all of that stuff. What are those? This is what my people do. This is what my people don’t do. What do you call that? Boundaries. And then fast forward to Jesus, he steps on the scene and he elaborates this idea of boundaries. He starts talking about light and dark, death and life, heaven and hell. What are those? Somebody say it loud enough so everyone else can hear it. What are those? Boundaries? Boundaries. And then when he teaches us to pray, he says, forgive us our trespassing against God’s boundary as we forgive those who have trespassed the boundaries we’ve established for ourselves. It’s the Lord’s prayer. And then he starts talking about the kingdom of heaven, and he talks about a kingdom of heaven. And the people who are in the kingdom are those who have pledged their allegiance and loyalty to the king. And there will be a day when everything is over a new heaven and a new earth.

And it doesn’t matter how loudly people shout at the wall or how loudly they knock at the gates to the wall, they can’t come in to the kingdom. It’s a harsh truth, but it’s absolutely God, protecting the perfection and holiness of heaven with what boundaries. Jesus dies, rises again. And he gives life to everyone who calls in his name. And he says, when you enter the kingdom of heaven, there will be no more crying, no more pain, and no more death in here. And he protects it with what A boundary. Wow. Wow. And the problem is so many of us keep on getting hurt because our boundary isn’t very

YOUR BOUNDARIES
Clear. It’s fuzzy. A couple of years ago, I was in a counseling session with a married couple and they were just kind of having some difficulties and they want to talk through it.

BOUNDARIES MUST BE CLARIFIED TO PROTECT YOU
And she was like, well, he always does this. And he was like, she always says that. And then I started asking for an example, and she’s like, well, when we go to my in-laws, his mom, he’s just effusive with praise for his mom when she does things. And he just compliments the mom all the time, his mom all the time. And when he does that, he’s always complimenting her about things that I can’t do or that I am not good at. And it just kind of cuts the knees out from underneath me and undermines me as a wife and as a mother. And he’s like, that hurts you. And then she’s like, well, of course that hurts me. And he says, you never told me she never clarified the boundary. It is not enough. My friends, listen, it’s not enough for you to feel hurt. It’s not enough for you to be bothered by what they’re doing. If you never articulate what the boundary is, if you never clarify it, you’ll be just like Jacob and Laban. For 20 years he was hurt. But it finally came to a head at this moment when he says, you did this, this, this, this, and it hurt me.

WHERE DO YOU NEED TO ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES?
And it’s not enough for you to have these boundaries that you feel in your heart or this hurt that you’re harboring. You must articulate your boundary. And when you articulate it, describe the consequences for trespassing that boundary boundaries must be clarified. In order to protect you. They have to be, boundaries must be clarified in order to protect you. So going back to some of our examples, you have parents, grandparents who are undermining your ability as a parent explain it and describe what will happen. What’s the consequence if they continue to trespass? You have a loved one who’s constantly struggling with addiction, okay? But when you’re at my house, that doesn’t happen. A loved one asks for money, I’m going to loan you this money. But here’s the consequence, if you don’t pay me back, you have a loved one who lashes out at you verbally and then they apologize.

You forgive them, and they walk on eggshells, and then they lash at you verbally again, and they apologize and you forgive them. And everyone walks on eggshells and they lash at you. Again, you have to articulate your boundary. When you do that, if you say that this will be the boundary, and it doesn’t have to be the nuclear option, you do not have to burn the bridge or the relationship, but attach a consequence to the trespass so you can control what you are in charge of yourself, yourself. And all of this is leading to a very simple question that I think some of us are just, it’s so apparent to us right now in our situation, where do you need to clarify boundaries?

With whom? What are those boundaries? Where do you need to clarify your boundaries and tell them? It’s not enough for you to feel it. You have to express it. And I know this sounds like a really tense situation, and there’s going to be a big conflict, and I’ve got to have people around me and I’ve got to have everything scripted. My advice is this does not have to be that traumatic. It can just be kind of a side conversation. And you don’t need to be raising your voice and reacting how they react. Just be in control of yourself and speak matter of factly. When you do this, it hurts me. And if you do this again, this will be the consequence.

And what happens next is your relationships will flourish. My friends, good fences, make good neighbors. Your relationships will flourish. You will flourish. You will find freedom and release. I know it. I’ve experienced it in my life and I’ve seen it time and time again. And it’s exactly what we see in the story of Jacob and Laban. Take a look at Genesis 31 verse 55, early the next morning.

5 Early the next morning Laban kissed his grandchildren and his daughters and blessed them. Then he left and returned home.
Genesis 31

The next morning, 20 years of conflict and swindling and deception, 20 years of hurt and pain and tears. 20 years followed by seven days of white hot anger and pursuit. And then that night, that night, they’re having this big blow up argument with one another. And the only thing that changed is they set a boundary between them. The only thing that changed was they established what will happen. What will be the consequence if you trespass this boundary, this physical boundary, and this emotional boundary. That’s the only difference. And the next day, “Laban kissed his grandchildren, and then he kissed his daughters.”

And then instead of an anger of a message of anger, he blesses them and he left and he returned home. And what’s true in their relationship, the flourishing and the freedom can be true for you when you establish boundaries and your relationships. Let me pray for you.

PRAYER
Heavenly Father. I know this message stings to some of us sitting in here because this is something we’re going through right now with people we love, people we can’t pretend to, don’t exist. And so, God, I pray for those situations that you would help each and every person in this room understand their boundaries, articulate them, and give a loving consequence to them that they can then express that to their loved ones. Not so that the bridges are burned and the relationship is over, but God, that they would be protected and that they would flourish and their relationships would be healthy.

And I pray God, for any wound in this room, any heart that has been hurt by a loved one, that wound gets deeper and deeper and just can’t heal because it’s being picked at over and over and over, would you come by your Holy Spirit right now and heal and we pray now, the prayer your Son taught us to pray a prayer with so many boundaries that you set for us in love as we pray together, our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come and thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen.